We have a winner

As many of you have probably already heard and seen, I was involved in an interesting event this past weekend. Team Beer, one of our local bike racing teams, hosted a party/competition celebrating the grand re-opening of one of their sponsors. The event was called the Team Beer WaxOn WaxOff.

Team Beer asked for volunteers from several local teams. The idea was that each contestant would choose the extent of their sleekness (nothing above the neck) and let the professionals do what they do best. He who was deemed to have undergone the biggest transformation from caveman to smooth dolphinesque perfection wins. Pretty simple contest. The treatment was free for each contestant, but everything would be done in front of everyone attending.

I was the lucky nominee for Hup United. I tried to get another volunteer, but it was determined that I was the only logical choice. Lots of body hair, a minor celebrity in the Portland bike scene, and no one else wanted to do it.

So there I was, about to be waxed. I went in the second wave of waxees. Two of the first three contestants went all the way, getting everything from the neck down removed. So the only way for Hup United to conquer all was for me to take a big one for the team and become the most aerodynamic DS in history. And that is exactly what I did.

The crowd was stacked 3-4 deep around my waxing table. It took 2 professional waxers 1.5 hours to complete the process. At one point, two other waxers joined in to help out. Lots of pictures were taken, copious amounts of whiskey was consumed (both by yours truly and the rowdy crowd), scissors were needed to trim bits of hair before wax could be applied, women (and men) saw more intimate parts of my body than most people would be comfortable with, and fun was had by all (well, by most).

Yes, it hurt. No, I wouldn't do it again. But it was worth it. I now have a trophy naming me the Team Beer WaxOff Champion. And Hup United has been elevated once again to one of the best teams in Portland.

Enjoy the pictures. If you are on Facebook, there are more. But remember, once you've seen them, you can't unsee them.

Doing my best George Costanza pose.

Some lovely ladies had their way with me,
before the waxers had their way with me.

Yup, it feels just like it looks. Painful.

They gave me a stick to bite down on. I think
they just wanted me to stop swearing at them.

They had to remove quite a bit of hair
to make me the most aerodynamic DS in the world.

All done.

This is the next day, showing off my smooth
chest and belly and WaxOff Champion trophy.